Children Have It Together

And they are so much better, too. I remember when I was a little girl, I could stare out into this humongous world and smile, thinking everyone was good, pure, loving. I could instantly become friends after two minutes of play with another random child, no matter their race. I had the courage to ask anyone- child or adult- if they believed in God and told them He loved them. I could dream every dream imaginable and still believe with such zeal that they could happen, like flying in space to see our planet Earth. I seldom feared but saw such bold potential in everything. As soon as I was introduced to the world firsthand,  a change took place. The faces that could make me smile have now made me expressionless, confused at this world. Why must be have motives, conceits, desires, a human nature that corrupts? Why can't we be...good? We are irrevocably flawed and I don't think I will ever get used to that. You know, sometimes I wish I could be four years old again and look out at this world as my inspiration. A part of me knows the same person is in there, but fearful that she can never take back all she has seen, done, and said.

A child is but an innocent, pure, gentle spirit. Good. And I am afraid I have lost hold of who I once was. 

You Go Through Hell Before Earning Heaven

These past couple of months have literally been hell on earth for me and my family We've lost a very important family member, our chief of family members and our greatest role model. Papi was someone who spoke little words but the love was felt just simply from his presence. Exactly six months ago today, God took him home and his battle with thoracic cancer ceased. While we were obviously brokenhearted from the major change within our family, we accepted God's terms and knew Papi was among the angels.

Six months later, here we are. These six months have been hopeless, stressful, real, and a time of growing up for me. I do not attribute Papi's death to this period of hell. I think his death marked a sort of season for maturing, for seeing the reality of life and the people in it. For a while, I thought I could handle the sudden period of sadness that overcame me. I thought it was temporary. After some time, I realized that so many bad things after another began to hit me. I received not one but two parking tickets, my grades began to plummet even though all I did was work hard, my relationship with someone so close to me was deteriorating, I missed my family, I was alone, I was always broke though all I did was work, etc.  I was the mouse and life was the wheel. I kept running while going nowhere. It was miserable.

They say that when you hit the bottom, it's when you start to look up. I began to sink into a depression not characteristic of anything I was before. And all of a sudden. Though I pushed myself to think positive and do well, I was hit with another awful test score or my car broke down or something stupid happened to make me lose my hope. So while my relationship, grades, health, finances, and time management suffered, I began to think what
was important in my life. I put things into perspective. I realized that school was not all that mattered to me anymore. No, I thought. It was so much more. It was enjoying the magic that is life, precious moments, family and friends, and the little things. I decided to transfer to a private school that suited my personal needs, take my own loans so my parents are not burdened, and be closer to the one I love.

While I feel I am barely coming out of this era of darkness, I feel in my heart I am beginning the era of light and renewal. I see beginnings of growth in my personal, academic, financial, and relational areas of my life. The season of harvest has emerged.

Like fires that destroy, our temporary trials kill our energy, spirits, and current plans. What we do not know is that that fire is setting up the foundation for a new path, new way of thinking, new perspectives, and renewed maturity about life. I cannot say I am thankful for everything that has happened in these six months, they really have changed me. I am a young woman now. I am learning the hard way and for that, I am grateful.

Before we are on our path to betterment, we first receive opposition and resistance. These forces prep us to make us the stronger, capable beings we are.

I feel a new season emerging; seeds have been planted now since the fire began and the rain poured down. I am ready to see what is in store these next six months. I'm starting to see Heaven in view.

For Those Who Crave Transformation...

So I did it again. Another day of fast food right after my work shift. Time after time I've told myself never to eat so late, never to eat unhealthy food, never to go against my desire for McDonald's fries. Another disappointment. After truly thinking about my stagnant position in life right now, it looks like it's time for a little self-transformation...physically, psychologically, and emotionally.

 The pettiest, incipient habits that slowly solidify into everyday life is another reason to scream inside and hate yourself. What's worse, I know I have the potential for greatness...but willingly going against what I know is right is the problem. So what is it that needs to be done then? How are these habits deteriorating my self-worth, confidence, behavior, and ability to be the best I could be? Just as they creep slowly into my life, I know it will take that much slower to kill those bad habits. It's not just the eating. Deep within me is a person who needs to break out, to radiant what is truly within. I am afraid I am not the only person who feels this way. I guess we're all scared to fail, but not trying is much worse.

Today, I've decided (at approximately 11:17pm) to transform this person into what she is worth. I want to focus on the basics first. I've decided that I want, more than anything, is to have more confidence. What is confidence without caring about what others think about me? And that's just it. I won't. Second, I need to seriously start eating healthier, even if that means I have to cook everyday from this point forward. No more McDonald's for you, Savannah. Start busting up that Magic Bullet and pop in that daily vitamin, then load that blender with tons of veggies and fruits. Load em' up! Third, I will go to the gym at least 4 times a week, every other day. You want those abs and tone arms? Savannah, fetch them with some sweat and hard work. No pain no game. Fourth, I will not be afraid to change up my style a bit. I'll dawn on that vibrant rogue lipstick and silly hat or learn to actually french braid hair. Maybe I'll even get highlights, a piercing...who knows? I just need change. And lastly, I will keep my eyes on my dream. Everyone has that one dream we just can't let go of. Maybe, instead of daydreaming, we should actually start working towards touching that dream. Duh? The hardest part of any journey is that one step. Take that risk and refine what you've thought you couldn't. Savannah, you know what dream you want, even if you don't know right now. You will. Which dream matters to you more? Why? Can it be possible to do both? Get the best of both worlds then...balance.

So there it is... my transformation list. I hope my ranting has served some purpose by getting you to think about what you really want out of life. I thought today about how we only actually have about 80-100 years on this earth if we're lucky. That's it. What can we do to enjoy life while serving a purpose while leaving a legacy? That's up to you to decide. What's beautiful is that we all have a unique calling, varying goals.
Write them all down in a transformation journal and tally the good and bad days. We all slip but just get back up and note your progress. Day #1 begins tomorrow for me. I'm on my own path to transformation...

Will you leave your comfortable cocoon and finally spread those amazing wings of yours? Join me!