Dear Mom,

                                     
   
When I was a little girl, you used to take me to coffee shops. (In fact, that was probably where my caffeine addiction roots began). I was your little mini-me. I remember the matching tye-dye dresses we had, but instead of being embarrassed, I embraced resembling my heroine. I cannot complain...your love was- is- ever so strong that nothing can make you love me any less.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to those days in hopes that we could make light conversation like we used to. Instead of talks consuming student loans, work, how busy I am, how dirty my car is, how dirty my room is, how completely a mess I am to you, I just wish we could go back in time a little. Perhaps right before life caved in on me prior to college. Where you had zero expectations of me and only wanted to talk to me for the sake of knowing me, not to tell me what to do. Because mom, though you may dislike the idea, I am not a little girl anymore. Trust me, I've walked the street without holding your hand before. I've learned so much in my two years in college that believing I have not changed is...well, ludicrous. Sure, I am not a perfect person but I am a young adult. I am learning, exploring, observing, experiencing. I guess now I want you to be proud of the person I am becoming, not disappointed at what I am not. Would you like to know my political beliefs? What I am learning about in physiology? Or if I know about disease A or disease B? What about how I feel about myself and my interpersonal confidence? Do you want to know about my relationship? See mom, the superficial, insubstantial things act as barriers, and I cannot connect with you anymore. Yes, believe me, I know there are fingerprints on the bathroom mirror. I know my trashcan is full. I know these things. But I, ashamedly, do not know that you would prefer to focus on the person occupying the room rather than the mess that occupies it.

I know my transitioning into adulthood is not easy for you, as much as it isn't easy for me. I feel like this bizarre looking caterpillar with funky colors in a cocoon because it's not really a caterpillar anymore but certainly not a butterfly yet. Or a pubescent teenager who's half child half woman. I feel strange, too. I'm right smack in the middle of that bridge crossing into a frightening part of my life. I know to you I am a mess, literally and figuratively. What I hope for ----

[12:07am. You opened the door to my room, walked over, and hugged me tightly. Then you smiled because you noticed I fixed my broken knob from my library set. "I love you. And your room doesn't look that bad". You're calmer now.  I smiled. "Hm, maybe just get rid of that bag over there from Christmas." I agreed. It's as if nothing ever happened. We're off to have tea in five minutes.]

What I hope for are moments likes these.

Treat Yourself to A Good Life...

   

 

My oh my, has it been forever! I've been stuck in a constant routine for so long and I guess I forgot about you. Poor you, journal blog thing.

     For about 7 months now I've been adapting to my new school. This rapid change from a large, public school to a tiny, private one has been rather...interesting, simply put. I've been enjoying the feel of my intimate classes and routine conversations with professors, the perks of private schools. But in the transition I think is where I found myself, much like a robot, absorbed in my work completely. I found out that midway through the first semester, my petite, blond, fair-skinned roommate has a darker skin tone than I! Perhaps because I am often found in my room, studying or if not, then watching Supernatural on my laptop or watching my tadpoles grow. Whatever it is, I'm in my room.

     Case in point, when you find yourself so absorbed in your own world-intellectual, artistic, entrepreneurial, etc- you often forget to live in the moments in front of you. We are all so busy competing in one giant rat race to become a successful [blank] that we let time slip before us until we cannot regain it any longer. Shoot, I'm 20 and I've yet to do something so ridiculous and beyond me...my bones, my heart, my soul is waiting for an awakening. Though my heart yearns for some stimulation, I'm found behind piles of books, only to let my mind make up fun things for me to do.

     So I've decided and made it clear to myself that I will finally do something for me. Not for future Savannah, but for the Savannah in the present. I have said it a million times but I will do some form of theatre. I don't care if I have to play Servant #10, I am doing it. See, I've found that limiting my mind's capacity to only my current surroundings does not only weaken who I am meant to be, but it makes life dull, uninteresting, and painful. For once in my two years as a college student in all of my twenty years, I am going to treat myself to a good life. Not a successful one, but a good one. Being successful does not guarantee happiness. It is in the process of maturation on the path to a good life where you will realize you are successful all along, because you are on your own path, not anyone else's.

     So present Savannah, I am expecting bags under your eyes, tan skin (come on, at least darker than your roommate's), and a magical gleam in your eyes next time you visit. Because then only will you be working incredibly hard doing something that makes you pumped for life each and every waking second of your everyday.

Children Have It Together

And they are so much better, too. I remember when I was a little girl, I could stare out into this humongous world and smile, thinking everyone was good, pure, loving. I could instantly become friends after two minutes of play with another random child, no matter their race. I had the courage to ask anyone- child or adult- if they believed in God and told them He loved them. I could dream every dream imaginable and still believe with such zeal that they could happen, like flying in space to see our planet Earth. I seldom feared but saw such bold potential in everything. As soon as I was introduced to the world firsthand,  a change took place. The faces that could make me smile have now made me expressionless, confused at this world. Why must be have motives, conceits, desires, a human nature that corrupts? Why can't we be...good? We are irrevocably flawed and I don't think I will ever get used to that. You know, sometimes I wish I could be four years old again and look out at this world as my inspiration. A part of me knows the same person is in there, but fearful that she can never take back all she has seen, done, and said.

A child is but an innocent, pure, gentle spirit. Good. And I am afraid I have lost hold of who I once was. 

You Go Through Hell Before Earning Heaven

These past couple of months have literally been hell on earth for me and my family We've lost a very important family member, our chief of family members and our greatest role model. Papi was someone who spoke little words but the love was felt just simply from his presence. Exactly six months ago today, God took him home and his battle with thoracic cancer ceased. While we were obviously brokenhearted from the major change within our family, we accepted God's terms and knew Papi was among the angels.

Six months later, here we are. These six months have been hopeless, stressful, real, and a time of growing up for me. I do not attribute Papi's death to this period of hell. I think his death marked a sort of season for maturing, for seeing the reality of life and the people in it. For a while, I thought I could handle the sudden period of sadness that overcame me. I thought it was temporary. After some time, I realized that so many bad things after another began to hit me. I received not one but two parking tickets, my grades began to plummet even though all I did was work hard, my relationship with someone so close to me was deteriorating, I missed my family, I was alone, I was always broke though all I did was work, etc.  I was the mouse and life was the wheel. I kept running while going nowhere. It was miserable.

They say that when you hit the bottom, it's when you start to look up. I began to sink into a depression not characteristic of anything I was before. And all of a sudden. Though I pushed myself to think positive and do well, I was hit with another awful test score or my car broke down or something stupid happened to make me lose my hope. So while my relationship, grades, health, finances, and time management suffered, I began to think what
was important in my life. I put things into perspective. I realized that school was not all that mattered to me anymore. No, I thought. It was so much more. It was enjoying the magic that is life, precious moments, family and friends, and the little things. I decided to transfer to a private school that suited my personal needs, take my own loans so my parents are not burdened, and be closer to the one I love.

While I feel I am barely coming out of this era of darkness, I feel in my heart I am beginning the era of light and renewal. I see beginnings of growth in my personal, academic, financial, and relational areas of my life. The season of harvest has emerged.

Like fires that destroy, our temporary trials kill our energy, spirits, and current plans. What we do not know is that that fire is setting up the foundation for a new path, new way of thinking, new perspectives, and renewed maturity about life. I cannot say I am thankful for everything that has happened in these six months, they really have changed me. I am a young woman now. I am learning the hard way and for that, I am grateful.

Before we are on our path to betterment, we first receive opposition and resistance. These forces prep us to make us the stronger, capable beings we are.

I feel a new season emerging; seeds have been planted now since the fire began and the rain poured down. I am ready to see what is in store these next six months. I'm starting to see Heaven in view.

For Those Who Crave Transformation...

So I did it again. Another day of fast food right after my work shift. Time after time I've told myself never to eat so late, never to eat unhealthy food, never to go against my desire for McDonald's fries. Another disappointment. After truly thinking about my stagnant position in life right now, it looks like it's time for a little self-transformation...physically, psychologically, and emotionally.

 The pettiest, incipient habits that slowly solidify into everyday life is another reason to scream inside and hate yourself. What's worse, I know I have the potential for greatness...but willingly going against what I know is right is the problem. So what is it that needs to be done then? How are these habits deteriorating my self-worth, confidence, behavior, and ability to be the best I could be? Just as they creep slowly into my life, I know it will take that much slower to kill those bad habits. It's not just the eating. Deep within me is a person who needs to break out, to radiant what is truly within. I am afraid I am not the only person who feels this way. I guess we're all scared to fail, but not trying is much worse.

Today, I've decided (at approximately 11:17pm) to transform this person into what she is worth. I want to focus on the basics first. I've decided that I want, more than anything, is to have more confidence. What is confidence without caring about what others think about me? And that's just it. I won't. Second, I need to seriously start eating healthier, even if that means I have to cook everyday from this point forward. No more McDonald's for you, Savannah. Start busting up that Magic Bullet and pop in that daily vitamin, then load that blender with tons of veggies and fruits. Load em' up! Third, I will go to the gym at least 4 times a week, every other day. You want those abs and tone arms? Savannah, fetch them with some sweat and hard work. No pain no game. Fourth, I will not be afraid to change up my style a bit. I'll dawn on that vibrant rogue lipstick and silly hat or learn to actually french braid hair. Maybe I'll even get highlights, a piercing...who knows? I just need change. And lastly, I will keep my eyes on my dream. Everyone has that one dream we just can't let go of. Maybe, instead of daydreaming, we should actually start working towards touching that dream. Duh? The hardest part of any journey is that one step. Take that risk and refine what you've thought you couldn't. Savannah, you know what dream you want, even if you don't know right now. You will. Which dream matters to you more? Why? Can it be possible to do both? Get the best of both worlds then...balance.

So there it is... my transformation list. I hope my ranting has served some purpose by getting you to think about what you really want out of life. I thought today about how we only actually have about 80-100 years on this earth if we're lucky. That's it. What can we do to enjoy life while serving a purpose while leaving a legacy? That's up to you to decide. What's beautiful is that we all have a unique calling, varying goals.
Write them all down in a transformation journal and tally the good and bad days. We all slip but just get back up and note your progress. Day #1 begins tomorrow for me. I'm on my own path to transformation...

Will you leave your comfortable cocoon and finally spread those amazing wings of yours? Join me!

Let the Current Do It's Thing

If you are anything like me, you love-absolutely love- being in control. You adore the act of planning your schedule, ranking higher than anyone else on anything, and having some power most do not have. You even crave so much control that you might even limit the amount of food you intake to stay trim! What I am about to tell you is extremely important: STOP. Yes, stop. Control yourself to allow some instability, consequences, and risks. Sound a little better? See, the thing most control freaks like to do is block anything that is, will become, or has potential to be a threat on their ability to do, to act, or to initiate. What we fail to realize-when that spontaneous current sweeps us in its magnificence- is that new, organic, simple, original things are produced.  This is not in the slightest limited to minimized dreams, destinations, or knowledge gained. No, when we let our minds wander free without mediocre obligations and constant pressure put on us by ourselves, we are then privileged to see that we, and others, were far underestimated. Imaginations wild and spontaneity unleashed, we're taken aback when we see ourselves enjoying life more. We'll start to slowly see that stress is no longer prevalent; we are no longer held captive by our fears of  not having control. In the long run, a relaxed mind is a mind that can think. A mind that can think is open to new possibilities. New possibilities leads to an introduced goal or dream. Dreams, embedded with sincere action, lead to a fulfillment of life at its finest.

No matter the fear you may be experiencing from letting yourself be less in control, I am certain you will discover amazing things you never thought you could before. By all means, control that is checked by moderation is necessary. Just remember to stay optimistic, open, and comfortable with a little change. That current that is pulling you from your niche of control and security may very well be taking you to an island with a spectacular view of the horizon. This same current could also be forcing you to make changes in your life that will positively influence you and the people around you. Whatever the currents surrounding you right now, allow you to banish your innate sense to control. For right now, let it be. Let the current take you. Let your mind believe in peace. Let your heart be confident in your abilities, not your narrow mindedness. Remember to breath. Soak up the special moments. Allow your heart to sing and be tickled by life's simple pleasures. Let go, and let it be. Just as nature's currents eventually fade, yours will too. For right now...live. 

Believe me, another current will be on it's way. For right now, let go...you're on your way.

Be Something Someone Needs to Get By

I never realized how often I find myself changing my behavior, body language, and tone of voice around others. With preppy people, I roll my eyes more, talk as if every single sentence that comes out of my mouth is a question, and complain more. With older people, I take on a more conservative view of life as if I, myself, have 4 children and am technologically challenged. With family, I yield to their every plea and demand, almost opinion-less because everything they say and do must be right. With my theater crew, well...I am all over the spectrum. I guess my earth sign truly is water, the substance that bends and mold and forms to any force.

I have learned over the course of my short life that people need comfort. Comfort is assurance in the self and in others; a knowledge that all will remain fine and safe. No matter what age we are-from early teens, to young adulthood, to old age- we need others to relate to us. A simple conversation that accommodates those you are talking to goes a long way. This could mean changing your tone of voice to match theirs, discussing similar topics that they might find interesting, or even expressing the same kind of concerns they have. Never is it okay to change who you are completely; always stay true to who you are. But it is with simple accommodation to their needs that keeps relationships strong. If a young teen working in a professional environment ranted to her employer about her boyfriend troubles, the employer will probably not seek comfort and assurance in her young employee, compared to a young employee who offers help and/or advice on what the business needs. The employer, in turn, will feel confident in her young employee and may then consider her trustworthy enough to handle tasks in the future. It is all about trust, common sense, and accommodation to the other person. In all relationships where two people are willing to work together. Even when it comes to that preppy valley girl you meet in class, a little "Oh my God"s may not be such a bad thing. 

Adapt. Adapt for their comfort and in the long run, you'll be something someone needs to get by. Who knows? Maybe they never knew someone could be similar to them. And... Voila! You have created a foundation for a comfortable friendship, work relationship, or partnership.